Tuesday, December 1, 2009

UPDATE FOR ATLASQUEST FRIENDS

Hey every one,




I know I have let a lot of people I consider really good friends down this summer/fall and I am literally ill about it.



I want to explain about what I have been going through health wise and what my plans for all the rings and singles I have.



You have all known I have a bad hip and leg that causes me with great pain sometimes and that I am on constant heavy painkillers to keep that under control. Now if that was my only issue during this past period of time there would have been no problems as I have traded easily and on time with that issue frequently. However, at the beginning of the summer/ perhaps late spring I ended up in the hospital as I spiraled out of control to the extreme and I had a bunch of other symptoms that landed me in ICU for a chunk of my stay due mainly to breathing/aspiration issues. (the good news is I hardly remember any of that part). While I was in the hospital they asked me to speak to the one and only psychiatrist during this time as I have always had panic and anxiety issues but they got much worse after the ICU stay.



She diagnosed me with extreme anxiety disorder. This consists of panic attacks and some days the inability to deal with ANYTHING. I become literally frozen, unable to do or decide what to do , so I end up doing nothing as that is all I am capable. A lot of times this summer I was so frozen I couldn't leave my bedroom and was unable to talk to anyone in person or on the net. This disorder is slowly getting better with an anti-depressant that is also designed to help with aniity. We have been increasing mu dosage slowly each month and by Jan. I should be at the maximum dosage that we have been aiming for. We will then start decreasing very slowly as I currently take 30 mg of Valium 5 times a day (anyone who knows about this drug probably has their eyes popping out their heads right now as that is an Extremely high dose and most people would be dead if they took that dose while I don't even fall asleep {I have been on it for a year at this dose.}



I have been unable to respond to people who have attempted to get ahold of me due to being paralyzed by the whole situation. Like I mentioned I an starting to improve on this drug which is why I able to write this letter now.



I know that there will be some people who have never experienced the mental issues I have been happening and won't be able to understand why I just didn't get my s&%T together and just send the stuff out. An anxiety disorder, esp. an extreme one like I have just can't be explained. Usually it is something you understand as either you or a loved one who has suffered from it. I wish there was a better way to help you understand how debilitating this disorder into words but I don't want to do it. I have managed to get a very small pension to from the Canada Pension Plan for being disabled but it is well under $1000 a month so it helps with our finances.



It is very embarrassing and frankly humiliating to have to tell people about my mental illness on top of my physical one but it is very important you understand why I have been gone. It's mot that I don't care, in fact I think of those packages every day.



Obviously they need to be sent out and I an going to chip away at them over the next couple weeks (we are moving Jan. 1 and it is my goal not to take any of them with me as they have all been sent). They won't be in the order that the swaps were set up in, I am going to choose a bag after each mailing, one that doesn't make me feel over whelmed and I think I should be able to get them all out this month.



I just have 2 more important things to day which is why they are in all capitals:



1) WHILE I DO HAVE SOME OF THE CARDS MADE A FEW OTHERS i WILL HAVE TO WHIP UP.THEE PROBLEM IS THE DOCTOR DOESN'T WANT ME CARVING FOR WHAT 'COULD' BE ANOTHER 6 MONTHS(MY HIP AND LEG PROBLEM ARE ON THE LEFT AND SO IS MY CARVING HAND AND HE WANTS ME TO REST THAT WHOLE SIZE) SO FOR THOSE i WILL HAVE TO MAKE ATC'S AND NOT LTC'S FOR. I WILL TRY TO USE SOME OF MY OLDER STAMPS BUT THERE IS NO GUARANTEE THAT THERE WON'T BE MUCH IN THE WAY OF STAMPS ON THE CARDS OTHER THAN MY SIG. STAMP. I DO HAVE LOTS OF COOL PAPER AND ACCESSORIES SO THEY SHOULD BE NICE CARD.



20 THE OTHER THING, AND POSSIBLY MORE IMPORTANT IS THAT i DELETED ALL NEW MAIL IN MY ACCOUNT AS THERE WERE 17 PAGES OF UNREAD LETTER. IF YOU HAVE CONTACTED ME AND YOU DIDN'T GET A RESPONSE FROM ME AND THE MESSAGE IS STILL RELEVANT THEN PLEASE MESSAGE ME AGAIN AND i WILL BE ABLE TO GET BACK TO YOU RATHER THAN ME BE IN THE MIDDLE OF 17 PAGES TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH OF ANY MESSAGES AREN'T SO OLD THEY DON'T MATTER ANY MORE.



It is very important to me to get these sent out and show that I will never ever become a real black hole and will always send things out, just in this case not when I wanted to.



Thank you all my AtlasQuest Friends and once this is all squared away I will still be welcomed into swaps, although I plan not to make very many commitments at the same time to keep from something like this to occur again. I would also like to than Sue (you know who you are) for trying to help me as much as she could although I was really wasn't in a position mentally to really get back to here much.



I am also going to post this on my blog so those of you who may not catch it in this forum posting and feel free to share the info with others.



I love you all!

JennieGee

2 comments:

  1. I know you have had continuing health problems, and have been having a hard time keeping up, but I certainly didn't know the extent of it.

    Bravo on putting that info out there - you accomplish two things by doing that. First, it helps people understand the situation and hopefully leads to more tolerance. More importantly, it breaks the chain of your worries/embarrassment/anxiety over not following up, which was causing the inertia you were experiencing. A terrible Catch-22 you were dealing with. Now you are using one to overcome the other. THAT takes strength I know you have – one step at a time.

    Big hugs to you,
    Marmalade

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for your understanding, I hope send out the first batch tomorrow.
    Jen

    ReplyDelete